Valentine's Day Invitation of Days Past

In my old congregation, the one full of single people, my job was to help Devin Mackay put together fun and enlightening activities, while encouraging people to mingle and kiss and stuff. (heehee.) The following is a particularly good mass e-mail I penned, inviting everyone to come to a Dating Seminar, hosted by Devin and myself. Oh, the cleverness of me!
Pop Quiz, Hotshot.

You're on a date with a lovely lass and a crocodile attacks you, making you look like a fool by forcing you into a wrestling match and completely alienating your date, because you can't give her your undivided attention and you can tell she's getting annoyed...

Or

You're with a really swell fella and, when he goes to put his arm around you, you get struck by a falling airplane part and then he acts all rejected and hurt because you don't want his protective arm around your bruised, bleeding waist...

What do you do?

You don't have to answer right away.
Those sound like bad dates, huh? Pretty silly, right? Funnily enough, the worst case dating scenarios are anything but. It's a good thing, too, because it's awfully hard for most of us to deal with the non-life-threatening challenges gracefully, let alone the near-death experiences.

You may not have to ingest rattlesnake poison from your dates punctured heel, or even save her from drowning in sand in the desert, but chances are you'll have to deal with such things as "the kiss of death," or the "DTR."

Well, that's where we come in. As the Activities Committee and Co-chairs, your dating life is important to us. Okay, okay. You're important to Heavenly Father, and our jobs are important to us. Therefore...you are important to us. That is why we want to share our hard-earned dating wisdom with you! Believe us when we say that dating is essentially difficult fun. Oxymoronic, isn't it? That's what we're all about!

This year, our February Activity is going to be fun, fabulous and very beneficial.
We're going to take you through some Worst-case Dating Scenarios, step-by-step, and even show you some tricks such as:
How to make sure she says "yes" when you ask her out...
and
How to make sure he never asks you out again...
and
How to tear down her emotional walls with three easy steps...
and
How to lead a person on...
and
How to date her roommate to get to her...!

We hope you'll become an integral part of our seminar...and dinner!

Open the evening of February 17th for the Charlottesville Third Ward's Third Annual Valentine's Day Party.

Because, honestly, it's time we talked.

Love,
The Activities Committee/ bonny


HERE IS ANOTHER ONE. This time, for the annual Thanksgiving Football game, known as The Turkey Bowl:

What do you get when you cross 30 YSA's, 20 mesh jerseys, 6 blaze orange cones, 25 flags and, of course, Ye Olde Pigskin? A muddy, sweaty, exhausted body by 1 pm. It was always thus and always thus will be.

At 10 am on the 20th day of November of last year, our comrades gathered on the upper field of McIntyre Park to participate in America's Second Favorite Pastime- The Annual Turkey Bowl.The game began after a prayer (see D&C 10:5) and, consequently, nobody was seriously injured.

Highlights:
1. As Harrisonburg's MVP, Odie, scored a touchdown, his shirt was ripped from his person.
2. Chuck Michaux, in a moment of Machiavellian bravado, knotted his flag-belt around his waist. As a result of this superficially benign act of defense, at least two players were towed several yards as they tried to apprehend Brother Michaux's flag. When he was approached by this reporter about his blatant disregard for rules, Chuck made this official statement: "I could explain it to you, but it would confuse the heck out of you." Indeed.
After a lunch, preceded by James Mitchell's well-timed counsel on the benefits of recycling, we went our separate ways, adjourning the Bowl until this year, when there are plenty of new faces to crush into the turf. Until then, let us all adopt the motto of altruism, first spoken by that revered coach of yore, Vince Lombardi, when he said, "Winning isn't everything; it's the only thing."


AND ANOTHER:

So, David Sloan is having a party at my crib on Friday night at 7:30.

It will be an exclusive party, to which everyone on earth is invited. More like everyone in our ward...not quite as exclusive as I'd hoped... But, since Dave is in charge, you're all invited.
Wear black, in mourning of our collective lost childhood. Thanks, Sigmund. Our special guest speaker will be Dr. Leo Marvin and the 12 Russian people who live across the hall from us. Remember that we all need to act intellectual.This will be the last party at my house, because I'm getting ready to settle down.
Dave is bringing food. We'll have mood lighting, but if ANYONE kisses, I will personally beat said offender to a bleeding pulp. I don't know what white jazz is, but Dave wants it and, as you know, he is a spoiled brat and gets whatever music he wants. He's a good Institute President, huh?
We have matches, too. And cornstarch. We'll try again on that one. See you all tomorrow. Come in shifts. Our apartment is not huge. We'll be admitting people until about midnight, but people that I really like can stay later.

Happy Friday. Enjoy the reasonably unseasonably warm weather. Get some sleep. We're going to play games, too. Mind games. I like those a lot.

Thanks For Playing...

I love Judi and Gina and Casey! I miss and love them! They keep me thinking of myself. Who is Bonny Harris?

1. Do you like to cook? Once I get started!

2. Do you have any brother or sisters? Eight.

3. What do you do on Sundays? I used to go to Church, but now I sleep in until elevenish.

4. What's your motto? The love of coonskin caps is the root of all evil.

5. What's something that you do well? I'm really, really, extremely modest.

6. Which do you prefer... Sunrises or Sunsets? Maybe sunsets now. No, still sunrises.

7. What is the most beautiful thing about people? Their senses of humor.

8. If you could smash one thing... what would it be? Tiny crystal figurines. That high pitched tinkling smash.

9. For what do you think you would be willing to lay down you life for? I imagine lots of things.

10. What one word would you put on your gravestone? Probably "ROSEBUD."

11. If you were to perform in the circus, what would you do? Unicycle!

12. What do you think the most ultimate gift in the world is? Suspended judgment.

13. What CD is in your CD player right now? Pixies.

14. What article of clothing best describes your personality? Sexy panties. Duh.
15. What is the first thing you think about when you wake up in the morning? Where the freak I am.

16. If you could rid the world of one thing... what would it be?
meerkats. HAHAHAHAHA!

17. What is your favorite quote? "Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in awhile, you could miss it." Ferris Bueller

18. If you were to be on a reality TV show... which one would it be? America's Next Top Model. After this year, though, I will be too old!

19. What is your worst personality trait? Jealousy and selfishness.

20. If you snap your fingers and be somewhere else... where would that be? Right this second? Just with my family having fun. In Texas.

21. Which of the 7 dwarves describes you best? Probably freaking Sneezy.

22. Favorite line from a movie? "Yippeekiyay, Mother F@#$&%r!"

23. What is your best scar? The golf club one on my head.

24. If you were a spy... what would your alias be? Old Greg

25. Would you rather have a hug or a kiss? Hugs, in general. But, from certain peeps, kisses.

26. You have multiple personalities..... describe some of them! Oh, Easy. The Realist and the optimist.

27. Sitting alone in a big field, looking at stars... what do you think/feel? Totally cry. And pray.

28. If you were a tree... what kind of tree would you be? A tall, leafy one. The old oak tree in my parents' yard that had to get chopped down because of the plague.

29. What's more important... the ride or the desitnation? I like to say the ride, but I am a "Just get there" sort of girl. A trip Nazi, if you
will.

30. If you had to be handcuffed to one person for an entire month...who would that be? Michael.

31. Favorite song to sing in the shower? Honestly, "The Wheels on the Bus"

32. What's the oldset piece of clothing that you still own and wear? last season apple bottoms. HAhaha. Jk.

33. I'm at my silliest when....... When I am excited about something. Or with my sisters.

34. Would you dare sleep in a haunted house overnight? With Judi.

35. If you were handed free opera tickets... would you go? Freak yeah, Casey.

36. If you lose power in a storm... do you reach for a flashlight or candles? Cabdles. Or Candles.


37. Have you ever been in a parade? By accident. I lost my dad at the Apple Blossom Festival parade, and went up to the announcer stand. Does that count?

38. What song best describes your life right now? "Greensleaves"

39. When was the last time you hand wrote a letter? Just now.

40. What can you always be found with? a kid named Michael Brent.

ABC's

Smeagol sent me this, and I thought it would be diverting...
A - Attached or single? VERY attached.
B- Best Friend(s)? Heather, Hol, Bethany, Jeremy, Sarah, Cory, Ellie, Molly and Bri.
C- Cake or Pie? Carrot Cake and Razzleberry Pie
D- Day of Choice? Saturday
E- Essential Item? Water
F- Favorite clothing item? Down East tees.
G- Greatest Ambition in Life? Make people happy. Especially Mikey and my family.
H- Hometown? Stanardsville, VIRGINIA I miss it so much.
I- Indulgence? Now & Later Candy Canes
J- Jan. or July? May and November.
K- Kids? I will have some. Michael will be such a good daddy.
L- Life isn't complete without? Books, Poetry. The written word is so powerfully transcending.
M- Movie? Anne of Green Gables, LOTR, P&P (The REAL one A&E with Colin Firth.) Thirteenth Warrior, Lock, Stock, etc., Movies are very important to me. It is like Aristotle's Poetics. Catharsis.
N-Number of bros and sisters: 5 Sisters and 3 Brothers. Plus, J, P, S, J, T, D and M.
O-Oranges or Apples? I don't particularly enjoy peeling oranges, but I love Braeburns.
P- Phobia or Fear? I think fear is a debilitating thing. We'll be ok, but we forget. I do, too.
Q- Quote? "All I ask is a tall ship, and a star to steer her by."
R- Reason to Smile? Spring is coming!
S- Season of Choice? Spring. New life, all of my little friends getting their leaves again! Green is my favorite. I'm a little bit of a tree-hugger.
T- TV Show? LOST (Obsessed) Grey's Anatomy now.
U- Unknown Fact about Me? I can speak Japanese. (I'm definitely losing it, though.)
V-Vegetable- Green beans and broccoli and carrots, but not baby carrots.
W- Worst habit? Slamming doors when I am angry.
X- X-ray or Ultrasound? Maybe the ultrasound to show what baby I'll have! XRays usually mean injury, ultrasounds can, too, but I'd imagine babies. :)
Y- Your favorite food? I love smoothies, lasagna (No meat!) and Cafe Rio Taco Salads with shredded chicken.
Z- Zodiac Sign? Sagittarius. The Archer. I'm adventurous.

Would You Rather...

WOULD YOU RATHER.....

1. Live without music or T.V.? TV. Movies are important to me, but TV is not. Well, except LOST.

2. Lose your legs or lose your arms? Legs. I'd probably be more self-sufficient with arms. That question makes me sad.

3. Have a beautiful house and ugly car or ugly house and beautiful car? Beautiful house...I gotta live there!

4. Be blind or deaf? Another sad one. Thanks, Judes! Deaf. Probably.

5. Live in Antarctica or Death Valley? I hate the desert a lot, but I hate the cold more.

6. Eat sushi or liver? Sushi. Anytime.

7. have 3 eyes or webbed feet? That depends...is my Third Eye Blind? hehe.

8. Find true love or a million dollars? I already found one of them, so I'd take the money. I'd keep true love, though.

9. Always have to say everything on your mind or never speak again? Hah! Always have to say everything on my mind. I had laryngitis last week, and I've never listened to Michael so much in my life!

10. Be gossiped about or never talked about at all? I would be the lyric, ever on the lip, rather than the epic, memory lets slip. Gossip flatters me.

11. Be able to hear every conversation or take back anything you say? Take back anything. I would be terrified to hear every conversation. But, if I could hear every conversation, I'd probably give people a break more.

12. get caught singing in the shower or spying on a crush? Both, please!

13. Be a dog named Killer or a cat named Fluffy? Killer! Were I a cat named Fluffy, I'd be allergic to myself.

14. Get even or get over it? Getting over it is so noble. Sometimes it isn't as satisfying right away. But still, I'd rather get over it.

15. Know it all or have it all? Well, I wouldn't want scabies or lice, but I also don't want to know who has scabies, so NO Thanks.

16. Always get first dibs or the last laugh? Last laugh.

17. Kiss a jellyfish or step on a crab? Step on a crab.

18. Own a ski lodge or a surf cap? Surf camp. I get seasick, but I'd hire Kelly Slater and just sit back.

19. Forget who you were or who everyone else was? Like 50 First Dates? If I forgot myself, I'd forget everyone else, too. That's a weird one. Good thing I have the memory of an elephant.

20. Have one wish granted today or 3 wishes in 10 years? One today...Three more wishes!

21. Be the sand castle or the waves? The waves. I'd CRUSH SAND CASTLES!

22. Have a mansion in the middle of nowhere or an apartment with 10 friends? A mansion with 10 friends!

23. Have a big group of friends or one really close one? Does Michael count? I need to be around people. Otherwise, I'm a sad puppy named Killer, and not allergic to myself at all.

24. Not be able to talk or hear for one day? Talk. If temporary, I could manage.

25. Spend the day surfing the net or the ocean? Dramamine and the ocean.

26. Snowboard in the winter or swin in the summer? Swim in the Summer, for sure! Down with snow! I married a snow MONSTER!

27. Have a best friend that talks too much or one that doesn't talk at all? Too much. But, just a little.

28. Sleep with snakes or sharks? Sleep underwater? No thanks!

29. Surf in Fiji or shop in Paris? I'm with Judi. Both. Well, Paris is my ideal vacay, so I'd pick Paris first.

30. Never be able to smile or never be able to close your eyes? If you didn't close your eyes, you would go blind. Probably. The eyeballs would get all dried out, and your cornea would crack and tear, and you'd have to get cocaine drops in your eyes to stop the pain. That's not so bad.

31. Never wash your hair again or never shave again? Hah! Waxing! I'd never shave again!

32. Be forgotten or hatefully remembered? If bad people hate me, that's fine. But, if people I love forget me, that's not fine. Well, if they are happy in forgetting me, I'd be forgotten.